Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
