I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Randomize
