the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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