proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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