i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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