he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
