I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
