I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
