This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Randomize
