i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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