Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
