I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there