Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?