Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Randomize
