My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
