Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
