I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Just fell off a train. Bad.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
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