Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
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