it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
