i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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