I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
