I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
