4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Moan for me like Helen Keller
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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