threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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