every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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