I think my fart just growled at me.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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