Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
