Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
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