how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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