they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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