if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
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No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
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I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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