I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
