just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
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