I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
