My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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