Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
