the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
