I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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