Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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