I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
