She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
