i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
