I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Randomize
