Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
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how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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