First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
