dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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