i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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