i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
