Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
