BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
