your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
