Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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