A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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