i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
