I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
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