i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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