If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
