My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
We had to coat check the pizza.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Randomize
