Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
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I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
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She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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